They're an excuse. An excuse to pull away or push away.
Of course you have things that should be deal breakers. Abuse is first right off the top of my head. But those aren't so much deal breakers as they are intolerable acts that shouldn't be excused or over looked. I'm talking about the long list of what he or she should or should not be.
Let's take a look at one such list I use to have that was a part of the musts I wanted in a guy:
* Pretty eyes
* takes care of his body
* wants the best for me
* sticks by my side
* doesn't lie...
The list actually dissolves from there. There were 20 items and once I understood a secret kept from me, I tore that list up and never looked back.
The question I never asked myself about my list was, what does compassion look like? What are pretty eyes? What do you mean by taking care of his body?
Easy, I wanted a good looking guy that cares for me. But I've had a few dozen guys match up with exactly that criteria. So, what did I learn? What was the secret?
My problem was my nose stuck in my list so far that I couldn't tell you what "him wanting what's best for me" really meant or looked like. Don't eat chocolate~that's what's best for you. Stay out of the sun~that's what's best for you.
Truth. No one has more capacity to know what's best for you than yourself.
The real power is what so many men already know...being now is better than being later. Men taught me they have more to offer when they are in the here and now and not looking into the future. As women looking towards the future comes naturally. Women have lists. Men have needs.
I dumped my "deal breaker" list and started looking--really looking at the men in my life. I discovered how uninhibited they are. How free. I discovered my perceptions of men weren't as I thought. I started asking questions and discovering the similarities men and women have but also the differences in communication.
That's when I realized that these deal breakers I had were an excuse to avoid intimacy. Once I figured out that I wanted more than a guy that meet the criteria on my list, I started meeting men that I could fall in love with. Now I can tell exactly what compassion looks like in real life. I can tell you what I mean by "sticking to my side".
And the bonus is, I don't have to update an ever changing list that doesn't help me look into the man I want to be with.