I have two simple rules I live by that keeps me in my 7 -- going on 8 -- year relationship. Let me lay it out for you.
Rule # 1. Do not try to please your partner.
All your life you've been told true love means giving all of you and he giving all of him to you. I'm placing the HUGE stamp of "Bullshit" on that right now.
Giving him all of you and vice-versa? No. No. No. No. No. This is the road to resentment. The road to disappointment. The road to heartbreak.
I know it sounds counterproductive but if you don't love you, why should anyone else?
You need to show yourself respect. I'm going to go out and reach as far as pulling the "G" card on you. God gave you this body, mind and spirit--if God loved you enough to give you all that, then frickin give a care about yourself.
If the fact that you're one in a million sperm that made it, that says something right there. You is the one going to love you!
Trying to make him happy is like trying to open a cemented door. No knob, no keyhole, no nothing--a flat door so heavy superman needs to open it. And Superman is a FICTIONAL character. Not here to save you. Just like Prince Charming.
One place where giving what you have works is when you give yourself happiness. That works because you have room for him in your life. You're not giving away your happiness to him. But everyone thinks that to be happy you have to make your significant other happy. That's Bullshit backwards. Tihsllub.
You're so busy trying to make your other happy that your NOT happy and your other isn't happy because your not happy. And so the merry circle goes around and around and around.
The point--if your happy so is your significant other. And saying "it makes me happy making him happy" is bullshit. Of course your happy when he's happy. But you can't MAKE him happy. Just like you can't make me eat brussel bean sprouts. Oh, you can force me, but you can't MAKE me.
And manipulations to force one to love you is bullshit too. It's a lie and why do you want a lie? To say, "See, nobody loves me."??? You think you're safe in pushing those away but I call shenanigans. I am queen bee of intimacy issues. It's bullshit--I mean tihsllub. Going from guy to guy never letting them get close. But now I have a scary and awesome relationship. A perfect dicotomy of push and pull. So your victim strategies of "nobody loves me, everybody hates me..."--I know them. You can't hide from me. I KNOW. Stop it. Be happy damn it!
Rule # 2. Do not put any expectations on him.
Again, road to failure. Dismal, pure, hateful resentment.
"You didn't pick up the trash for me."
"You didn't get me flowers."
What the hell is wrong with you're arms? You want flowers? Show some love to yourself and buy them for you. I am so mad that you are not happy right now! And that makes me laugh. Expectations are like rules-meant to be broken. Expectations can be good, just not in relationships. Expectations are also dangerously close to self-entitlement. Take responsibility for your happiness, take responsibility for your relationship.
He's late to meet you for dinner? DON'T FUCKING WAIT. Enjoy yourself. And I mean enjoy your own company. Eat. If he comes, he comes. I once left my significant other to go to a party because he wasn't ready at all. Yes, he was mad, but he was on time for the next party. He had his own car. He could've come. He didn't though. For whatever reason. I didn't care. You pull your weight or you have consiquences. Was I mad? No. I didn't have expectations of him going with me. He didn't have to go. I wanted to, I did, nobody died because I spent time with friends and family. And don't let his expectations of you cause you grief. You have a choice of saying, yes I can do that, or no I can't do that. When you are not responsible for his happiness, you don't have to worry about it.
When you just follow these two rules, your significant other stands to attention and says--Oh shit, she doesn't NEED me. I better fucking get my act together--usually. If you have a douchbag, then I'm sorry but you'll realize that your worth so much more once you realize you love yourself too much to go through that tihsllub.
I started this year as a published author. The road took five years and I wouldn't change a thing!
But let me sit you down and explain that it would not be possible without you, the reader, to complete my dream. In four months I produced three short stories combining them into a compilation.
Writing stories, good stories, in under a months time is challenging. It's challenged my goals, my stamina and resolve. And I have to say that dispersing stories, good or bad, wouldn't keep me going at the pace I've set without my readers.
Recently I reached out to those who are my core group and they responded in kind. I wanted you to know that you keep me going. After my encounter with this group I'm more determined to reach the goal of producing three stories every four months with a compilation for the fourth month.
You've help me celebrate my first milestone. I can keep going knowing there's someone out there whose listening. *snif*
Reluctantly, I resign myself and chalk this moment off to weak will-power. “Can I ask you a question?” I posed in the bed with my muscled arm flexed holding up my head. I just want to get my dick wet.
The first three lines of each story...they go together so well! Shorts-off Compilation 1-3: Lady Cougar But
I am a publisher. But, I'm also a writer and I self-publish my books as well as publish other authors. But I'm still a publisher.
I don't have a printing press in my garage. I don't have a building dedicated to TRP but I do have a business license and pay separate taxes on my company.
I don't have employees, I have contractors. Yet, the conception is that if your self-published, your are not a publisher.
People conceive, because I'm self-published, that I'm just doing this gig until a real publisher comes along. I am Rodney Dangerfield.
In fact, we (self-publishers) are all laughed at. I'd like to point you in the direction of Joe Konrath and his blog here.
To all and any who would like to invite me to submit my book to a "real" publisher, I'd like to give you some stats.
I spent five years, six hours, every day--and I mean EVERY DAY Monday-Sunday, 8-16 hours a day doing one thing. Learning how to publish. Oh, I wrote. That was the other 8 hours and the other 16 hours of the week/weekends. I studied, and pored over blogs. I contacted authors, publishers, agents, editors, copy-writers, writing teachers, bloggers, readers, random people in the bookstore all about publishing, writing, and marketing. I asked them questions and the questions I want to concentrate on are the ones I asked agents, publishers and writers.
To writers I asked, are you happy with your publisher?
When face-to-face with a writer I could see the defensive wall come up. Yes, they were happy with there publisher...for the most part...except...
the few exceptions fell to 2 categories.
1) They felt like the pet rat--disrespected, disregarded after the manuscript was in.
2) They felt the 10%-15% of the profit from their book was not worth what they pored into the book.
I'm not really one to write then edit the manuscript until I don't ever want to see it again only to be tossed to the curb and thrown cheese for penance after all that work.
I didn't think other authors wanted to be treated like that either. What I found out was that, yes, the author was thrilled to get a publishing deal! Big time publishers can get you exposure. But, were the authors happy? Eh.
Had they done it themselves, they would have done things differently. And the thing is...not one author that I asked that question to face-to-face tittered with glee. Usually, their smile faded a bit. Defense mechanisms were snapped into place. Ugly masks replaced the sincerety express in their eyes just millaseconds before that question.
I'm a micro-publisher. I don't have a huge budget. I'm funding myself and am putting in all the time I have into TRP. It feels like a treadmill right now. But I'd rather fight than be chained to a book deal, told to rewrite something to what the editor thinks will sell, and given a pat on the head and a Starbucks as pentence for my work. Thank you masssaaa. Naw. Laugh at me. Tell me to submit my manuscript to a real publisher. Belittle my company and tell me I'm nothing. I don't mind. Because I know how business can grow from humble beginnings. (I like to think of the Elora's Cave success story.)
But my authors will always answer with a confident "YES!" if ever asked, are you happy with your publisher?
If any of my authors are not happy, they know they can talk to me. Tell me their concerns. Work out a system they might think will work. I'm willing to try everything. I'm looking to improve. If I fall short of expectations, I'll take measures to make my authors feel cherished.
Here are some posts about the difference between self-published and indie-author:
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