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​“Liam thinks every bit as an adult.” My usual session with Ms. Slate turned into relationship counseling. This was the only place, the only person, I could talk to about Liam. “But his body is still underage.”

“How are you dealing with that?” Jennifer sat behind her desk, glasses on, hair framing her down-turned face as she scribbled in her notebook.

I cleared my throat. “I am dealing with it fine.”

She stopped writing and looked up at me. “Specifically, what are you doing to deal with your attraction.”

It was no use telling her there was no attraction between Liam and I. Jennifer could see through me. “I go to the dojo every night. I take extra cases. Keeping busy helps.”

Jennifer folded her hands and cast me an expectant stare.

On any other day I could wait her out, but lately my calm grated against the inner demon. My patience grew shorter and often. I was becoming sarcastic, haughty, and my temper was easily raised. Every ounce of control was put to the test. Especially when I was around Liam. “It takes everything I have to steer my thoughts clear of any sexual fantasies.”

“When was the last time you had intercourse?”

Some might think her questions intrusive, irrelevant, but I found her direct speech refreshing. She did not mince her words. “Eleven months.”

“And you’ve had no thoughts about Liam?”

“No. None. Not at all.” Liar. I would catch a slip of his skin and desire to touch him. He would talk with his hands and I would imagine how those fingers felt on my torso. The show of ankle and then my mind would wander into a scene where he locked his legs around my hips. But I snapped out of all of them before my imagination ran away too far.

“Kai…” Jennifer sighed. “Liam isn’t six years old. He’s three months from being legal.”

“He is three months, fifteen days, and nine hours from being legal.”

She compressed her lips. “It would be normal to fantasize about the person you like.”

“I will not go down that road.”

“You said yourself he’s an adult…”

“He thinks like an adult. He is still a minor.”

“Are you doing this to prevent another Mori situation?”

I flashed her a scowl.

She did not flinch. “It’s a valid question.”

“What do you think?” I hissed. Then amended, “Of course.”

“Do you think denying yourself will change the way you deal with Liam when you two finally have sex.”

I sucked in a breath. “Can we not talk about this?” Sex and Liam in the same thought was dangerous. Illegal even, despite what Jennifer said.

“How’s work?”

“Fine.”

“Not having any issues with your co-workers?”

“Mr. Puzo thinks I have abused my power.”

She nodded. “He came the other day asking for information about you. I gave him the client privileges act and told him there was nothing he could use from me that would involve your work performance.”

“Thank you.”

Jennifer knew about my past, about me helping Mori put a father in jail so we could get said father’s family to safety. Not everyone got out of harm’s way. Mr. Puzo must have found out about my under-the-radar string pulling.

“Liam invited me to an art competition.” No matter how I tried the conversation always went back to my boyfriend.
​
Boyfriend.

A title that kept me from losing my mind. At the very least, he was mine.

“Sounds like a date.”

I kept my head down but flicked my eyes over to see her reaction. “Is that, okay? We are not having sex.”

“Yes, Kai. Yes. That’s a good thing.”

Relief flooded my body. “We made an agreement.”

She remained silent. Jennifer never pushed.

“We want monogamy… we go on dates, but there is no sex. No kissing. No touching. But I am his boyfriend, I mean we are going out, a couple. But there…”

“Is no sex. I get it, Kai. I think that’s wonderful.”

“Talking to him is a relief and added pressure.” I smoothed the wrinkles in my slacks and kept my eyes down. “He is an amazing person. He is taking the age of consent seriously. He keeps the physical part out of our relationship. That is why I say he thinks like an adult.” Liam was not lost in his dick. He thought about the consequences. Not just for himself but for me.

“Buuuuut…” Jennifer prompted.

“My own urges are getting harder to resist.”

“You know, Kai, touching someone doesn’t automatically mean sex is on their mind. You can hold hands, or heaven forbid, hug without it meaning anything other than affection. Affection does not mean sex.”

Touching Liam. I shivered. Remembering Saturday’s hug sent a spike of energy up and down my spine. My cock started getting in on the action, an indication I should direct my imagination somewhere else. Like how my father would react to Liam being my boyfriend.

“He massaged my shoulders.”

“Well, there, you see.”

I did not have the heart to tell her I stepped out of his hold before I turned around, stripped naked and had him in my hallway. “We will make due. Four months will pass by quickly.” If I kept saying that, maybe I would believe it.

“True, but I’m a little worried about you.”

“How so?”

“Given that you and your boyfriend are monogamous and not having sex, are you masturbating?”

“What? No!” My body moved on its own. I stood and paced the length of her couch. There was no way I could disguise my abject horror. Did she think me one of those creeps that think about children when having sex?

Jennifer remained stoic. “As I was saying, there is a very large difference between a six-year-old body and a seventeen-year-old body. Don’t get me wrong. The age of consent is eighteen, but considering your past…”

“I am in control.” I sat down, loosening the tension in my jaw. I reined in my temper and straightened my tie. “I am in control. This situation is different.”

“How?”

“There is no touching, no teasing. It’s a shorter wait.”

“Have you talked to him about what will happen when he turns eighteen and you can have sex?”

“Are you asking if he is a virgin?”

“That was not my question.”

“We will talk about that when he is eighteen.” But it occurred to me that Jennifer might have already seen Liam as a patient. Her questions were always pointed. Direct. She was trying to lead me to a series of thoughts.

Jennifer compressed her lips again and waited me out. For what, I wasn’t sure.

“Can we get off the subject of Liam?” Bringing up his name was the very act of talking about him.

Jennifer kept her head down, writing. “We can talk about anything you want.”

But, for all I was worth, I could not think of anything to talk about. The time passed in silence. It was a testament to how Liam touched every aspect of my life. Work reminded me of him. Home reminded me of him. When I went to the dojo I conjured what lesson to teach him. I breathed Liam. Ate Liam. My heart beat drummed syllables to his name. Li-am. Li-am. Li-am. Li-am.

Finally I sighed and hung my head in resignation.

“Kai?”

I raised my head to Jennifer’s soft call.

“How are you sleeping?”

“Not much.” The admittance was painful, but I was no coward to truth. “I try but my erection keeps me awake.”

Silence.

Jennifer’s mouth thinned. Her hands folded. My therapist’s eyes cast down to her desk.

“Say what you want to say.”

“You requested not to.”

“Out with it.”

“What you are doing is unhealthy.”

“My thoughts are what is unhealthy.” I know what she wanted me to do. But masturbation was not an option. “If I release myself I will think of him. Thinking of him while he is still a minor… doing that is sick.”

“Again, he’s not six-years-old.”

“That does not give me license to think of him in that way.”

“And because you are in a relationship, you’re not seeking out companionship to relieve the stress, I take it.”

“That suggestion is just as disgusting.” I would not cheat on Liam. Nor would I ask his permission to have sex with another person. It would not only put him in an awkward choice, it was not an action I wanted to entertain. We agreed. Monogamy. I refused to fail him another time. Liam would have the best of me.  

“Couples do what they need to. When it’s not about the sex and they are trying to stay together, sometimes unconventional relationships help keep them together.”

“That is not applicable in this situation.” I was not opposed to unconventional. Hell, in the past, if I shared Mori with his other lovers I would have been all right with that. At least for a while.

“So, we have an impasse.”

“Yes, doctor, we do.”

Jennifer sighed in a I give-up kind of way. “If I prescribe you a sleep formula, will you take it?”

“No pills.”

“It’s not medication, it’s natural. Over the counter items.”

I was still leery. “I will research it.”

She scribbled on a pad and handed me a sheet with a website URL.

“Thank you.” With that, I was done with the session. I stood and walked out of the office ten minutes before my time.

Thank you for reading Handle with Care by S.N.McKibben.
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© S.N.McKibben
No part of this story may be reproduced or transmitted without written prior permission from the publisher. This is a work of fiction. All characters, names, events, incidents and places are of the author’s imagination and not to be confused with fact. Any resemblance to living persons or events is merely coincidence.

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Chapter 4


I’d been tempted and failed. In my defense, I was only seventeen. Shame ate away at the gratification of my release. I’d cleaned up Kai’s shower, straightened his bed and scolded myself for the ninth time. It was important Kai liked me. That meant not making him uncomfortable. Respecting his property. Not masturbating in his shower. Things like that.
There was no television in his apartment. If you could call this an apartment. It was the closest thing to a penthouse I’d ever seen.

One good thing about letting go and getting rid of certain—pressures, was I could study. Graduating high school and getting into college was right up there on importance level as meeting Kai.

The large kitchen table was the perfect quiet place to spread out, go over homework, review exams, complete my reports and get my mind off my indiscretion. The smell of eucalyptus calmed my nerves. Kai’s home was good for my school work.

“We may talk now.”

I jumped in my chair and looked behind me.

Kai stood at my back. He’d breezed in with no sound.

“Seventeen and a half is too soon for a heart attack.” I pressed a palm against my heart.

“Am I disturbing you?” Kai stood as vigilant as a five star butler.

“No.” I closed my English book. “Welcome home.” Saying that gave me way too much pleasure. “I didn’t know when you’d be back, but I could make you something. Are you hungry?”

Kai stared at me as if he were dreaming. His eyes danced over the scar on my neck. Everyone wanted to know the story behind it, but here was the man who’d witness my near-death experience. I didn’t have to explain.

“I don’t blame you,” I sighed. “For what happened. If you’re wondering.” Head doctors asked me that all the time. If I blamed anyone. I blamed the bitch. She put it there. Not anyone else.

“Does…it…hurt?” His eyes went soft for a moment, then he resumed his bland stare.

“No.” I smiled, trying to reassure him.

“Have you seen the place?” He waved a hand up and down towards the living room like a showroom host. “Do you need a tour?”

“I saw.” I nodded. “I assumed I could stay in the guest bedroom?”

“Yes.”

Shock. That was easy. I expected a fight, a fuming war of egos battling it out so that I could stay with him. Maybe he felt guilty. Or maybe he wanted to make good on his long ago promise. Either way, I was not going to push my luck and ask why.

His fingers twitched and his hands kept jerking. It was odd. Like he was fighting against himself. This man was so repressed, he couldn’t make his way to reach out to another person. I made it easy for him. I stepped forward, slipped my hands under his arms and embraced him. He stiffened but at least he didn’t push me away. Kai stood there with his arms out as if he was never taught the custom of hugging.

Crap. Way to go Liam. I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. With my luck, he’d be a homophobe. I pulled away before he could ask me to step off or shove me away.

“I wanted to thank you. You saved me.”

“I did no such thing.”

I scowled. “I knew it. That’s why you didn’t come see me.”

“What do you perceive you know?”

“You feel guilty. That’s why I had to come find you. To tell you.” I love you. Thank god I had the wherewithal to refrain from saying that last part.

“I knew you had survived.”

“Yet you didn’t come see me.” I looked at him from under my brows.

Kai looked away. Guilty as charged.

He stared off and I admired his profile, his features locked in perpetual sadness.

“There were things happening in my life that prevented the right circumstances to keep a child.”

“You thought of taking me in?”

“If things were different…”

“No, I don’t want to hear this.” I shook my head. “I don’t want to talk about the past. I only wanted you to know that I don’t blame you and to thank you.”

Kai stared at me with his blank expression. “I do not deserve your gratitude.”

I crossed my arms. “Thank you for saving me. Thank you for pulling me out of hell. Thank you for not giving up on me when I was bleeding out. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”

His lips pursed together as if he were hiding a grim smile. I could relate. Finding the funny in such a morose subject could be misunderstood. People didn’t know what to say after they knew about the scar. Making light of it would seem inappropriate to many, but poking fun at my life was my own pastime.

Kai turned and walked towards the kitchen.

Gotcha. He was too uncomfortable to talk about it.

“Are you hungry?” He still wore his suit coat as he riffled through the refrigerator. Was he going to take his jacket off?

“I had cup o’ noodles.”

Kai lifted an eyebrow. “That does not answer my question.”

My stomach took the time to answer him with a low growl. I held my middle trying to muffle the noise. The tiniest lift in the corner of his mouth tipped me off that he’d heard my rumbling stomach.

“Do you have dietary restrictions?” He turned to look my way. His amusement vanished into his mask of nothing.

“No.”

“Steak then.” Kai turned with a packet and dropped the prime rib I’d drooled over as I perused around the ice box.
Oh god. Real food. Box macaroni and cheese was the staple of my life. No way would I argue about having a substantial dinner.

He pulled out pots, pans and utensils.

“I can help.” Free loader was not going to be my middle name.

Kai nodded a chin towards my school work. “Do you need to finish?”

“I’m almost done.” Books sprawled out over the dining room table. I assumed we’d eat there and picked up books and stashed my papers in my bag.

“You need not move if you would like more time.”

“No, it’s fine.” My heart fluttered. We were having a normal conversation. Nothing about takes or stealing. No barbs back and forth. No demands I get down on my knees and service anyone. This was what I assumed real families did. The type I saw in television shows. Not that I’d be watching t.v. while I was here. I still hadn’t found anything remotely like a television screen.

He ground spices over the mouthwatering cuts of beef. “How do you like your meat prepared?”

Plump, hard and long enough to reach my prostate. Mind in the gutter, it took me a moment to respond. “Knock the horns off and show it a picture of flame.”

He paused mid-pour as he coated the steaks with olive oil. “So rare or Sashimi?”

“Who is Sasha Mimi?”

Kai set the olive oil container down and stared at me. I think I broke him. It was not the dead glare of an empty soul. I’d seen that look with kids that grew up too fast, done too much and seen the worst life had to offer. No, this gaping stare was a man woken alive and asked to have his way with a town of beautiful women.

“Sa-she-me,” he said. “Sashimi. It is thinly sliced uncooked meat or fish. A delicacy where I come from.”
“Hmmm…” I cocked my head. “I’ll try it.”

Kai regained his bland composure and stared down at the steaks. “Perhaps another time. This cut is not the right quality.”

I shrugged. He let his mask down in spurts, moments, nothing that told me he was comfortable with me. Time might help him get used to me. Heck, I was in the same predicament.

He stepped outside to a patio off the kitchen to a grill. Kai’s every movement was calculated, precise. How could I get him to relax? This strange in-between time, getting to know him, itched under my skin. He seemed used to the uncomfortable silence. Or maybe that was part of his mask. Our connection proved he had another side. A side he didn’t show. Even to me. But what did I mean to him? It was surreal, my skin buzzing alive, with Kai acting as if this happened to him every day. Was I unique? Or did he not notice at all? Maybe I was feeling this all by myself.

While he grilled, an unusual site to watch a man in a three-piece suit and tie cook, I moved my books to the living room couch. Napkins and silverware were easy to find and I set out the dinnerware on the kitchen table.

It felt like Thanksgiving. The only time I remembered ever having semblance of family scene. The orphanage I’d briefly stayed at had a gathering every year and everyone had a job. Some cooked the turkey, others cooked the sides, some poured water in pitchers, I had the job of setting the table. Spoon, fork, knife from right to left on a paper towel. 

Kai came back inside, his eyes cast about almost in panic. Then he glanced at the place settings. Our eyes met. There was no way he didn’t feel this. The pull was strong. His eyes remained on me. My heart and stomach flipped in time.

He broke his eyes away first. “Let me finish the sides.”

I waited, watching his straight back. His posture was perfect. Much like everything else about him. Especially that ass. No, be a good boy. Don’t rush in. He might not be like that. He might find me disgusting. He’d never say it. That wasn’t the type of person he was. But while I felt I knew him, I’d only just meet him. Take it slow. Did he really not mind me staying here? I wanted to ask, but didn’t want to jinx myself.

Kai brought over two plates. Green beans and mashed potatoes accompanied the steaks. A real meal. I rubbed my hands and sat across from him. Giving him the lead, I copied what he did. This was his dinner table. Everyone had different customs. I was under his roof so I’d follow his protocol. He laid his napkin across his lap and so did I. He cut into his steak and I did the same. He remained silent, but that was the one thing I couldn’t do.

“How have you been for the past five years?” Damn it. I didn’t want to start with an inquisition. I was just trying to break the silence.

“Fine.” His face remained neutral.

“Do you want to know how I found you?”

“What matters is that you did. If I can be of assistance, I will do everything I can to help.” He cut into his steak and popped a small piece in his mouth.

My jaw dropped. He sounded like a recording. This was not how I imagined our meeting to be like at all.

“You don’t have to be cold about it,” I mumbled, picking at my food. “If you really don’t want me here I can leave.”

His fork clanked on the plate, rattling my teeth. “I assure you, if I did not want you here, you would not be.”

I grinned. That’s right. Kai can’t be forced. “I saw your trophies.”

“I would not need to hurt you. Since you are, as you say, your own person, you are legally responsible for yourself. If necessary, I could call the authorities and have you removed.”

“But it would be so much more fun if you wrestled me to the ground.” I covered my mouth with a hand. That was not what I was going to say. My checks burned.

Kai picked up his fork and went back to eating as if my sexual innuendo didn’t mean anything. I promptly went back to my food and shut up.

“Do you attend school? Or have employment?”

“Both.” Thank god he changed the subject. “I’m starting my last year at Cerilia High. I work at a place called the Muffin Cap.”

“Do you need transport?”

Transport? Beam me up, Scotty. “Naw, I can walk.”

“Cerilia High is nine miles from here.”

Crap. I hadn’t thought about the distance from here to school. I could Uber if I had to, but there were reasons why I didn’t want to do that. One of them being I was not technically of age to use it. Maybe I should get a bike. “Then I can run.”

“Books and all?” Behind his non-expression, I thought I saw concern disguised as mirth.

“It’s not your problem.” I stabbed at my mashed potatoes.

The tiny curl on his lips flattened. “Very well. I would supply you with transportation any time you wish. As it stands, you should leave at least ninety minutes before your first class.”

Which was five-thirty a.m. I’d have to get up before the sun to make it. Shit. I wanted to be strong in front of Kai. But spending time with him, any time, no matter how short, was the goal.

I sighed in resignation. Not like I had a scrape of pride left. “I would appreciate a ride.”

“What time do you need to be in the classroom?”

“Seven.”

"We will leave at six-thirty."

I groaned. It was better than five-thirty. “Thank you.”

“You are welcome.”

For the rest of the meal I kept my mouth shut. Pissing off a wrestling champion probably wasn’t smart. What I’d gained today was a major victory. I was here, in his house, able to sleep under the same roof.

​Kai was kind. Thoughtful. Unreservedly generous. I searched him for pity. I’d been subject to compassion occasionally. It was probably my holy jeans and old shirts making me look homeless. That may be the reason he agreed to me staying here. But his exterior didn’t have an ounce of tenderness. He was straight lines, hard corners with a black and white theme. Contemporary. Kai seemed like the type that thought in resolute definitives. There was no color in his world. At least that what it seemed. But that was the very thing I was here to find out.

Some parents just—aren’t.

​And that is saying something, coming from me. I do not “do” word contractions. Yet the abbreviation fit.

I could not stand for that boy to be in that house any longer. Because I was a child care service provider, there was something I could do about his situation.

“Mr. Akiyama. We’re waiting on you.”

Officer Glen DeSoto and officer David Corey attended me for tonight’s extraction. I had been waiting for them to show before I knocked on the door of 8211 Labrador Street. There were pockets in the grand city of Reseda that were worse. Right now, I could only think of two places in the San Fernando Valley that could not be described as better.

“Tonight, we will be removing Liam Kroll. He is twelve years of age. Male. Caucasian…”

“We get it man, can we just get him out of there?”

I turned my head and bore my eyes into Officer Corey. He stared at the house, his jaw tense. He refused to look at me. Whether he avoided eye contact because people found my attention disturbing or for the kid we were here to rescue, I could not be sure.

Most people found my cold stare unnerving. But if these officers knew what I was capable of, what kind of past I lived, they would beat me down like a dirty hog. My only saving grace were the lives I had saved along the way. I was not looking for redemption. Redemption was for thieves. For adulterers. For murderers. But not for me. All I could have was an acceptance of past actions I could not take back.

“I would like this to go smoothly. Losing him to a technicality is not acceptable.”

“Yeah, yeah…”

Glass shattered inside the house. We all stood at attention. This was routine for this family. Every night the parents would fight. Every night their child would be the one who suffered. Tonight would be the last time Liam would be covered in bruises.

“Jesus. Go man…”

But I was already walking across the street. I pounded on the door as good as any SWAT team member and waited.

Footsteps shook the floor boards of the thirteen-square foot house. The door opened in haste and there stood Liam’s father, Jacob Kroll. I did not believe in stereotypes, however, Mr. Kroll was the poster boy for portly, polish, and poor. He wore a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. His jeans were made for Sunday School—Holy and worn.

“What? We don’t want any!” He tried to slam the door on my face. I slipped my foot in between the door jamb. Fuck protocol.

“Mr. Kroll, I am Kai Akiyama, from child care services. I am here to inform you that your parenting privileges have been revoked by the state of California. Please present Liam Kroll.”

“The fuck?”

Little boy cries filled the house. “Nooo! Momma! Stop!”

Mr. Kroll flinched and turned back. I wanted to shove him aside and enter his place of residency, but that was not procedure. I was teetering on proper regulations as it were.

“Mr. Kroll, let me inside or present Liam Kroll to me.”

He snapped his head back. “Get off my property.”

“Mr. Kroll, if you do not cooperate, then I will be forced to use extreme measures.”

“Extreme measures, huh?”

I narrowed my eyes. “Do you happen to see Officer DeSoto and Officer Corey behind me?”

His eyes flicked over my shoulder.

“We have a warrant to search your house for the illegal storing and selling of contraband.”

Mr. Kroll’s eyes bugged out of his head.

“Let me inside or present Liam Kroll.”

“Papa!” The little boy was right behind him. He wore a brand-new shiner on his left eye. The bruises on his right eye were fading. Guess his family thought he needed another.

Mr. Kroll tried to shove me back. It was the excuse I needed. Soon as his palm touched my chest, I took hold of his wrist, bent it around, stepped backwards and yanked him with me. He was on his back before he could register the twinkling stars in the night sky.

“Liam Kroll?” I glanced behind me.

His face registered shock. Liam stared at his father as I kept the bastard pinned to the ground.

I held out my free hand. “Liam, come with me and I won’t let these people hurt you again.”

“Liam! Get back in the house!” Mr. Kroll yelled.

Officer DeSoto and Corey were on the father in seconds.

“Mr. Kroll, you are under arrest for accosting a CCS agent…you have the right to remain silent…”

My attention remained on the boy. His swollen left eye didn’t hide his uncertainty. But there was hope mixed in with the shyness. I could still reach him. Make him understand that life was not night after night of torment.

He stared into my face and unlike most people, he didn’t look away. There was…a connection. Our souls were the same. Kindred spirits. Ying to Yang. We both burned within the same hell. We both bared the burden of being a disappointment to our fathers.

“Come with me.” My hand offered him refuge, he need only take it.

“You’ll take me with you?”

“Yes.” It was not a lie, but I knew I could not keep him. A part of me wanted to. But I was the extraction officer, not a foster home. The other part of me did not trust myself. My upbringing was not ideal and though my father taught me what not to do, I had no notion of how to raise a child correctly.  

Liam’s eyes flickered in a type of knowing. Children his age began to understand the world, how adults worked, how adults told untruths. I was sure he could see through to the demon inside me. The connection we shared ripped me open. Its intensity blew apart the hidden, dirty bits I tried to keep from surfacing.

His steps were tentative. Slow. But his trust in me slayed all my pride. His arm reached out…

“Liam!” His mother came around the door. She took one look at the scene, snatched her child and ran back inside the house.  

“Damn it!” I turned to the officers. They had everything in hand. Mr. Kroll was being cuffed. I chased after Liam and his mother and entered the small abode riddled with…things. The Kroll family horded everything from books to bottles, signature plates to thimbles. They had enough to fill a five-bedroom house. Only this was a two-bedroom, two-bathroom cookie cutter home built when most people rarely grew taller than five feet.

The ceiling was so low, my six-foot-one-inch height made me want to duck as I maneuver around the “pathways” in between piled furniture. I pursued Mrs. Kroll as she ran into the kitchen.

When I got there, I froze. The blood drained out my face and all the way out my feet.