During my daily walk with Emma (my GSD you see in the picture) I stopped before natures resemblance of how I felt at the time. It inspired the audio "note" you can hear above.
While on our exercise and flower picture run we came across this "moss" with beautiful white flowers. The "grass" or whatever it was, spread from the wild and trampled the well-worn path--not to follow the path, but acted as if the path were an obstacle to the other side.
It spilled from one side of the wild across the the path and into the other side. This moss with the white flowers acted as if it was a train that nothing could stop. Funny how something that grows can be attributed to a fast moving vehicle. But that moss was a vehicle. Emma and I tread on that moss everyday and it never effects the flowers or the grass.
I feel as though my path is something that skims the road but still reaches for the unknown and ventures into the wild. Just as the path looks well defined in the picture, you'll notice if you look closely that path was created by Emma and I.
This is not a "choose the path less traveled" speech. This is a follow your path. Who the hell cares if it's worn or wild or if you have to bring a machete or walking cane. My path is less traveled. Perhaps I wish it weren't. And if you do choose that path that gets fox tails in your dogs fur and brambles in your socks -- well, you know where the road is but I won't be on it.
I'm offering you a warning.
Yes, Demon Inside Me is now available but I really urge you NOT to buy it. I'm really serious.
This is not a marketing ploy. This is an honest plea.
I don't know what came over me. I wrote something that got other erotica writers to barf. So, you might be asking--why is it published?
Oh trust me, I shoved it in a draw to die.
I gave it no love or thought.
But it wouldn't leave me alone.
I can't say I'm exactly ashamed of writing it. I have a mind that wanders and it wandered way into disgusting territory. When I asked "why do blood drinkers have to take blood from the neck?" I came up with this story.
I mean I know the Carotid artery is probably the best place to drain someone of blood, but is there another place? Zhiek, one of the main characters in Demon Inside Me found out a different way to extract blood that is just, well, not conventional. It's disgusting. Please don't read it. I don't want hate mail. I hope this thing just goes away and gets no sales.
I'm not an author that insists everything I write gets published, but this one wouldn't let me go. I'm sorry world. This one just pestered me until I let it out. When I die, have mercy on my soul. Heaven won't take me and hell's afraid I'll take over. This story proves it.
The most disgusting story ever is about to be unleashed. I tried to stab this story to death. I left it in a drawer for weeks. I ignored it. Threw it. Choked it. Strung it up to dry in the backyard to forget about it. But it never let me go.
I wasn't allowed to forget this story.
Have you ever had a song stuck in your head? It was like that. It still nags at me. I just couldn't let it go.
I'm not a writer that has to publish every single story I write. this one was going to be one in that pile. But it wouldn't. It's not that I'm ashamed of it. Actually, I'm very proud I made a hard core/fluid heavy sludge licking erotica writer gag.
That's a testament to how bad this story is. I encourage you to NOT buy it. I'm warning you. When this thing goes out--skip it. This is not things to come, but things that I needed out of my head.
So why did I release it?
Because I had this thought about blood drinkers and why they always had to go for the throat. I mean, there are nasty guys out there that do some fairly nasty sexual things, why aren't there vampires/demons/blood suckers that are a bit under the bar, quality wise? Yeah, drinking rats is fairly disgusting, but is there an in-between?
So this was the story where I explored that "in-between" place. Even though this isn't a horror, there still is a massacre at the Y. So please, I invite you to look at some of my other titles. Lady Alene and the Widower, But For You - Yes, Cougar Bait in the Coffee Shop. Any one of those will due.
Let's pretend this one is just kinna -- out there -- and ignore it! I don't want hate mail! Or hate male.
Shock of all Shock! The horror! No! My mom doesn't engage in that! but look at all the mom's out there. Those babies didn't come from storks ya know.
Yeah, I know what you mom's are doing. You don't fool me! I know what you're about!
Wait. Maybe I have that backwards because I hear mom's complaining that they don't get lovin' after children.
Which brings me to the point of perhaps letting mom "sleep" in this very beautiful Sunday.
Sex is what brought us into the world. But sex is more than just for procreation. If it were just for that, women would have seasons instead of periods. Women would bite the heads off guys like praying mantis after intercourse because, I mean, what's the guy for? ;)
No, sex is for bonding, intimacy and building a relationship. One of the best ways to get over a spat is getting under the covers and "having" at each other. Sex is partly for releasing tension. Go too long without intimacy and you start feeling disconnected to people.
Of course sex gives the wonderful happenstance of children and I wouldn't be here without my mom bumping nasties so this Sunday I'm going to celebrate with my mom and say, "Thanks mom! I'm glad you had sex!"
Marriage scares the living-poo-poo out of me. All I can think of when that word pops out is alimony. It's like one of those rules that are made to be broken.
I don't see the happy ending because nobody gets out of this life alive. Why is marriage so scary? Did I have a bad childhood? Well, no, I had a great childhood, but I'm not sure why I see marriage as a bad thing--I mean for me not other people.
Other people, marriage is great! Excellent, you found your soul mate! The love shines in your eyes and I know your happy. So why is it not for me?
Because I need distance. Intimacy burns. Closeness is a fire that I can skim the edges and feel warm from the outer edges but get too close and my skin melts off. Those of you thinking, "how sad, she doesn't know the how good it feels to have love surround you all the time." are failing to understand that I do feel it. We are the ones that feel too much and instead of being burned, we'd rather freeze.
Have you ever heard the term, "I'd rather freeze than burn"? Those of you that like cleansing through fire I salute you. But the distance is necessary for me to feel comfortable. And that's okay. I keep skimming further in but ultimately, I need my independence. I need to know that I can still take care of myself.
I've discovered this about me while reading/listening to Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--And Keep--Love by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A.
Apparently, there are Avoidance, Secure and Anxious attachment types. I fit into the Secure/Avoidance build and have since learned about the different types. I would recommend this book for those interested in romantic relationship building. It helps you to understand you and your partner and how to work on issues you may have.
While the book explains much about the three different relationship types, it also goes into helping you understand the relationship you have.
I understand who I am and my view on marriage may never change but I'd be interested in talking to others that have read the book or know of Attachment theory.
Thanks for taking a look at my little hodgepodge of a blog.
The format and subjects of my blog has changed through the years as it's my log of S.N.McKibben's writing journey.
You've now been sufficiently forewarned, happy reading!