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 I had the honor of joining a class under the direction of inspirational writer ULRIKE. The topic was overcoming FEAR.
While I have traveled to the gates of hell and have come back, I know a bit about fear. But what I learned from this class is what fear really is. fear fi(ə)r/noun noun: fear; plural noun: fears1. an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. notice how it says belief. I like what Will Smith said in After Earth: 'Fear is not real. It is a product of thoughts you create. Do not misunderstand me. Danger is very real. But fear is a choice.' Yes. What he said. Which is why fear and me--we're friends--imaginary friends, but still... F - False E - Events A - Appearing R - Real Emotional anxiety relates to future events - that is fear. Future events are mostly out of your control. In this class we were asked to write a letter to our fear. Here is what I wrote: Dear Fear, I'm so glad we are friends. All those things you bring up whether valid or not really help me to focus on what's worthy of my thoughts. I can be wreckless, so thank you for having my back making sure we don't drive off a cliff and die. But, even if we do, I know you'll be the one telling me "I told you so" and I love you for that. Love, Stephy And then Fear wrote back: Dear Stephy, I'm glad we're friends too but sometimes I feel you don't really listen. I mean, who fly's out of a perfectly good airplane or trusts alloy and plastic to go gliding--seriously? WTF? I will tell you "I told you so" - but really I've been waiting forty years to say that, so I guess you haven't steered us wrong--yet. I still love you and want the best for you. Love, Fear It was a good class and a good day. I'll hold it with me always.  Stories plaque me but none more than TRIAD. What started out as a bit of FanFic turned out to be the start of a life long love affair with writing. Or maybe, the endeavor of becoming a "real" writer. In 2005 I watched an anime called "Hellsing". The main character Alucard, became my true destination of the world of vampires. He was my inspiration for Marcus. Marcus started out as an extremely old Werewolf "keeper" in a true FanFic story where he and Casper were the only two characters of my original creations. I then began to explore the possibility of Marcus. Who was he? How did he become to be this Werewolf Keeper. In the fanfic version I foretold Marcus' death. I know how this character dies. But my thoughts were directed towards how he lived.  Every hero needs a heroine, and Platt had already been a seed in my mind after I played a card game called "Vampire: The Eternal Struggle" in the 1990's. In my mind Platt was not your typical ice queen that rejected her desires. On the contrary, she acknowledged the tendencies her body craved. She was strong willed but not obstinate. So many heroines have to "be the man" in the story and Platt was most certainly not that type of woman. She was undoubtedly feminine. She wasn't the type of woman to manipulate her way through men or life but rather played her hand the way it was dealt. When Marcus and Platt met, it was instant chemistry and the story rolled through my mind like an anime.  But as Marcus and Platt were developed something odd happened. A creature I'd never encountered before stepped out of Marcus and introduced himself and said to call him master.
At the time I laughed at him, to which he raised an eyebrow and smiled. And that smile was the most evil and tortured expression I'd ever seen. The dichotomy caught me off guard and I started to wonder about this Serenite who barred his teeth at me if I ever started to call him an "elf". Obviously, he was a mage but never used his power to hurt--but not for lack of trying. He revealed his secrets to me over a course of 4 years. 4 very long years of his mockery, snide remarks, ridiculing, and sarcasm. Asmara is one f-all of a task master. And he hardly sleeps. But TRIAD was not finished there and its story is still, to be continued... After the years of rewriting I am going to publish it with the goal date of June 27th, 2014. It's THE first story I completed and wrote during a time I had not yet found my first person voice. I tried first POV with this story but it would never work. The characters are too intricate, too complicated and too demanding. My hope is that I do them all justice. I know they deserve it.  Be careful who you trust, the devil was once an angel. Yet no one tells the other side of the story. Everyone disregaurds the opposing side and points to the "bad". This is "bad" that is "good".
I know people will gasp in horror, point at me and say "heretic", turn away to anything I have to say ever, think I'm trying to feed them lies or think I'm trying to "convert" them or whatever. Some may want to burn me at the stake...but let me replay a conversation I had about "the devil" with an actual "devil" worshiper (as you would label him). Let's call him George. Lucifer, the devil, Satan or whatever label, is God's counterpoint according to George. He says, "Does anyone know why Lucifer and God went to 'war' (as it's put)? Or do you just assume Lucifer wanted power, wanted to rule or this or that? What if I told you Lucifer and God went to 'war' over humans? The discrepancy was a difference of opinion on what punishment to give humans for disobeying God." The conversation went something close to this: Lucifer: Why do they have to suffer? Why can't they be like us? God: They have free will, I gave them the power of choice. They must now pay for that choice. Lucifer: Choice? You practically dangled the fruit in front of them! They're human, of course they're going to search where they're forbidden, they're curious creatures. You set them up for failure. You wanted them to fall. You wanted them out... God: Silence! They will pay for their insolence. Lucifer: Where will they go? Who will look out for them? They are fragile but the most fascinating creatures--why would you do this? We need to take care of them. God: You're right. You should go. Lucifer: Fine! I will! God: Fine! Go ahead! <Door Slam> There is no evil. There is no good. Light and dark don't fight with each other. They are two sides of the same coin. Fear, ignorance, insecurity create a mentality that the world is against you and you must protect yourself. It is much more difficult to stand in the face of this argument and see that trust in yourself is the only trust you have to offer. You have no control over what others say, do, or think. Even if your fate is planned, as some believe, you still have the power to control your reaction. For the insecure this terrifies them. To bank these emotions they claim invalid, they must place blame, cast out that part of them that might be seen as abnormal. And if your neighbors see you as abnormal and think "bad" of you, they may think your end is how they will quell the fear inside their own minds. The danger is real, fear is a choice. Do not go blindly into the path of light or dark. "Good" and "bad" are but judgements upon what people believe. Your road is not mine. I can not live your road. I would be considered "bad" because I too would ask God for the whole story. I would ask for it to be shown to me the way it played out. If it played out the way it was exposed to me, I might ask: If you wanted humans to succeed, you would not put temptation in their path. If the goal was to let them learn by way of experience, why the deception of telling them not to "do" a thing knowing they would be tempted? And if we have free choice, why not let us decide if we want to go down that path and when? I expect my questions would cast me out for my want of answers. Much like "the devil" and that's okay. Some might be saying, but it's hard to control my reaction. Yes, yes it is. Life wouldn't be a continual lesson if things were easy. Lessons--the reason we left Eden--if you believe in such things. Now if you tell me I worship the devil, I'd have to tell you too bad I don't believe in an all red guy with horns and goat legs. I don't believe in the notion of "good" vs. "evil". The conversation with George was very interesting. He's not an "evil" person. I'd call him a "humanist" because he's doing everything he can to help save lives--because actually--he's a doctor. He subscribes to the idea that maybe the route the "devil" tries to take us is actually tests of will but also the "devil" searches for the "easy" way -- the less complicated, the less painful. George asks himself everyday, why do my patients have to suffer? Why must they lose every shred of dignity before they finally go into eternal sleep? I'm pretty sure that would be his one question, if we're granted such knowledge. I believe we are all trying to dance to our own song. Some songs don't mesh well with others and that's okay. I think in the end, when I die--if there is a consciousness, when it comes time to decide which path, I'll be looking for the souls of past pets to guide me. I'm pretty sure several of them will be talking me up where they are and I'd rather go with them.  There's a lot of connotations that come with sexy things. Lingerie, toys, strip bars, pole dancing...
We feel ashamed for having sex, wanting sex or thinking about sex, yet we want to be sexy. We want to be desired. But we pull back and avoid intimacy and contact and...things that might make us sexy. Take pole dancing...your first thought might be a seedy bar in downtown with women of loose morals grinding on a phallic symbol. But there are people out there that see pole dancing as a way to express themselves. These people are serious about their sport--yes the SPORT of Pole Dancing! How amazing is that? Taking something sexy that has taboo undertones and making it safe, socially acceptable and bringing class to something that has such a bad rap for being "ugly" if you're involved. Go to the link below to watch this video and you might have a different opinion about this beautiful sport. Pole dancing men and women are sexy and play hard! http://www.bbc.com/news/world-latin-america-27177051 If you don't mind an intimate setting where you can hear the background noises of an author's home, this excerpt is for you! I'm not a professional voice-over but I get to use my voice for the inflections of my writing style. I think when you hear how I hear the words in my head, my voice in the writing comes alive. This is how I think, talk, act and live. Sorry the end is so abrupt...I hope you enjoy!
Emma, Alley and I often take walks and find ourselves trailblazing. This was one of those times. I often find myself drawn to the path less traveled, literally and figuratively. When I travel paths like this one in the literal sense, it's partially because I like to see where the road goes and what new sights I'll see. It's intriguing and wild and I find the solitude relaxing.
In the figurative sense I don't mind going down the path less traveled because I know I can always go back if need be. Walking trails, in nature help get me out of my head and enjoy the sunshine. It's a clearing of the mind, much like sleep. I'm refreshed and can go back to work. It makes me love what I do and allows me to keep my enthusiasm for writing. Where do you like to go? |
Thanks for taking a look at my little hodgepodge of a blog. The format and subjects of my blog has changed through the years as it's my log of S.N.McKibben's writing journey. You've now been sufficiently forewarned, happy reading! Categories
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