I have two simple rules I live by that keeps me in my 7 -- going on 8 -- year relationship. Let me lay it out for you.
Rule # 1. Do not try to please your partner.
All your life you've been told true love means giving all of you and he giving all of him to you. I'm placing the HUGE stamp of "Bullshit" on that right now.
Giving him all of you and vice-versa? No. No. No. No. No. This is the road to resentment. The road to disappointment. The road to heartbreak.
I know it sounds counterproductive but if you don't love you, why should anyone else?
You need to show yourself respect. I'm going to go out and reach as far as pulling the "G" card on you. God gave you this body, mind and spirit--if God loved you enough to give you all that, then frickin give a care about yourself.
If the fact that you're one in a million sperm that made it, that says something right there. You is the one going to love you!
Trying to make him happy is like trying to open a cemented door. No knob, no keyhole, no nothing--a flat door so heavy superman needs to open it. And Superman is a FICTIONAL character. Not here to save you. Just like Prince Charming.
One place where giving what you have works is when you give yourself happiness. That works because you have room for him in your life. You're not giving away your happiness to him. But everyone thinks that to be happy you have to make your significant other happy. That's Bullshit backwards. Tihsllub.
You're so busy trying to make your other happy that your NOT happy and your other isn't happy because your not happy. And so the merry circle goes around and around and around.
The point--if your happy so is your significant other. And saying "it makes me happy making him happy" is bullshit. Of course your happy when he's happy. But you can't MAKE him happy. Just like you can't make me eat brussel bean sprouts. Oh, you can force me, but you can't MAKE me.
And manipulations to force one to love you is bullshit too. It's a lie and why do you want a lie? To say, "See, nobody loves me."??? You think you're safe in pushing those away but I call shenanigans. I am queen bee of intimacy issues. It's bullshit--I mean tihsllub. Going from guy to guy never letting them get close. But now I have a scary and awesome relationship. A perfect dicotomy of push and pull. So your victim strategies of "nobody loves me, everybody hates me..."--I know them. You can't hide from me. I KNOW. Stop it. Be happy damn it!
Rule # 2. Do not put any expectations on him.
Again, road to failure. Dismal, pure, hateful resentment.
"You didn't pick up the trash for me."
"You didn't get me flowers."
What the hell is wrong with you're arms? You want flowers? Show some love to yourself and buy them for you. I am so mad that you are not happy right now! And that makes me laugh. Expectations are like rules-meant to be broken. Expectations can be good, just not in relationships. Expectations are also dangerously close to self-entitlement. Take responsibility for your happiness, take responsibility for your relationship.
He's late to meet you for dinner? DON'T FUCKING WAIT. Enjoy yourself. And I mean enjoy your own company. Eat. If he comes, he comes. I once left my significant other to go to a party because he wasn't ready at all. Yes, he was mad, but he was on time for the next party. He had his own car. He could've come. He didn't though. For whatever reason. I didn't care. You pull your weight or you have consiquences. Was I mad? No. I didn't have expectations of him going with me. He didn't have to go. I wanted to, I did, nobody died because I spent time with friends and family. And don't let his expectations of you cause you grief. You have a choice of saying, yes I can do that, or no I can't do that. When you are not responsible for his happiness, you don't have to worry about it.
When you just follow these two rules, your significant other stands to attention and says--Oh shit, she doesn't NEED me. I better fucking get my act together--usually. If you have a douchbag, then I'm sorry but you'll realize that your worth so much more once you realize you love yourself too much to go through that tihsllub.
Thanks for taking a look at my little hodgepodge of a blog.
The format and subjects of my blog has changed through the years as it's my log of S.N.McKibben's writing journey.
You've now been sufficiently forewarned, happy reading!