Expectations That Ruin Relationships
Coming home from spending time with family, I called my honey who was spending time with his friends. His time with them was over and I was coming home. I had eaten. He had not.
<Pause for those who know what I'm going to say next>
After catching up he asked me to pick him up food at BK (Burger King).
Okay, let's stop right there and suspend all the logical or illogical reactions you might have to give you some background.
I have "detached" relationship needs ~ meaning: I need to feel as though I'm the only one taking care of me and only me. Not me taking care of someone else. This will not change. I will always be a little distant to my lovers because I need to be able to move on if needed. This does not apply to family, just those who became involved with me after the first years of my birth. Thus, my loves' very reasonable request of food caused visceral resentment in me.
I knew my reaction was illogical and even silly. Feeling resentment for being asked to get food may not be illogical for you, however, it made me feel as though I didn't have a partner that could "take care" of himself. All responsibility for his well-being became shifted onto me.
I got him his triple stacker by-the-way.
But not without fuming, illogical, anger. WTF? Why can't you get it yourself?
Have you ever asked yourself this? If so, I feel you. If not and you're confused...I have a lesson for you.
This reaction is a defense against being relied upon. I don't want to be needed. I only want to be wanted. But guys need...no matter what you say, or think, men need their women. In reality, women pick up the slack, make sure everything goes smoothly, and take care of things men just don't think about. This is the ultimate team dynamic. Each taking care of the other. Yin, Yang. It will turn out somehow vs. I will do something about this.
Not every man is laid back, and not every laid back man is easy about everything so don't think I'm dealing in absolutes. I'm talking about my relationship and the interaction of it therein.
Because I've studied relationships, ask questions, looked within and consulted with "relationship experts" I know myself. It helps very much to know what's going on inside my own head, or I'd never know the wonderful feeling of having a secure relationship because I would have been long gone from the loving union I'm in now (if you look at my track record).
So this is a message to those who find themselves agitated at being asked to do things for their sweetie. It's also an attempt to let those who are perplexed at being yelled at for "Get it yourself!" conversations.
It's about expectations. I expect my partner to take care of himself. I get just as annoyed when he tries to take care of me ~ although, being given food or surprise Starbucks turns me warm and fuzzy. But, when you're dealing with a "dependent" relationship need person, there might be times when you have to recognize you'll clash. A "detached" relationship person will immediately think, "That's it! It's over! I can't deal with this..." thus feeding the "push-away" to keep from being depended upon and getting horribly hurt.
Think of us as the moths that are attracted to the light but can only hover around a certain point before we just can't handle the heat. We'll be back. We just can't stay. Don't fret, we'll return, but forget about us landing on the bulb. Not going to happen. Us "detached" will let those of you that are "secure" or "dependent" burn yourselves crispy.
What I am ultimately getting at is the reason for the picture above. Recognize what this is. Don't throw away a relationship because someone is trying to get you closer to the flame that has the potential to kill you. And trust me "detached" people are the ones that would be the most damaged by loving deeply despite what they say. Pulling away is their only defense against deep love. Once I recognized how I love and what I do to protect myself I learned how to push those boundaries.
I recognize the potential for my literal crash and burn relationship style. But I recognize my partners love style and I am learning to swim in an infinite circle of Yin and Yang.
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